Lonely

I have realized in the last few months that I take my family for granted. In the past if I got bored I would go over to moms house and I always assumed she would be there. I would even get a little upset if she wasn't. If I am having a bad day I call one of my sisters and expect them to pick up. If they dont I get a little upset. I always expect them to be there for me (even if I am not there for them) and now they are gone and I realize that I have completely taken them for granted.

Last night I had a pretty bad night at my job. I just moved to the Graveyard shift and I had to learn that not everyone is going to like me right away. (Weird right???)  It was hard for me because 1) I assumed everyone is going to give me an honest chance because I am giving them an honest chance and 2) I assumed that they would treat me like I knew what I was doing. Well neither of these things happened and I just couldn't take it anymore. I got really upset after a conversation with a co-worker and couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't go to my moms house after work and talk to her about it and because it was 4 in the morning I couldn't call my sisters. I had nothing to do other than sit there and think about it while scanning paperwork. It was one of the roughest nights I have had in a long time.

One thing you should know is that the way I work through things is by talking them out. This drives Matt crazy because if I don't understand something I will bring it up over and over and over. He says that sometimes I do it to prove the point that I am right (and maybe sometimes I do) but the majority of the time I do it to understand the other persons side. I want to understand the way other people think and why they feel the way they do. But last night I couldn't talk to anyone because I have no one of that shift that I could really talk to and everyone that loves me and cares was asleep. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel totally abandoned. I know that I married into a fantastic family and that they are always there for me and I could not ask for a better hubby then the one I have, but there is nothing like sitting on your sisters couch and crying and having her know exactly what to say and how to make you feel better. My sisters are really my best friends and I miss them so much. I miss my nieces and nephews. I got a little message from my sister saying that Ivy and Lily love me. It brought me to tears. I miss my mommy more than I can say. I miss sitting on her bed and snuggling Popcorn and Maxy and watching terrible movies. After I had my surgery I laid in bed and cried because I just wanted her to be there and to harass me or fight with me or just sit there and knit with me. I feel so alone and it is so hard for me to handle sometimes. I'm not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me. In typing this I am hoping that it helps me cope. I know that they were prompted to move and that it was the best thing for them. I just wish I didn't feel left behind. I am lonely in a way that I never knew existed and I don't know how to fix it.